Letting go of how things 'should' be
30 April 2021
“Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect.”
Alan Downs
Many of us drive ourselves so hard - and we often drive others hard too.
Much of this comes from our understanding how things ‘should’ or ought to be - I’ve heard it described as having ‘a hardening of the oughteries.’
I recently went through a process of looking at what my values are, or what I’d like them to be, and one of the values I came up with was a phrase - ‘accepting other people’s imperfections and my own’.
Getting over an affair or betrayal
12 April 2021
One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is in the aftermath of an affair or betrayal.
Frequently, the deceived partner is left with some very raw feelings - anger, grief, confusion, even despair. The partner who has strayed will also have some uncomfortable feelings, particularly guilt.
When I say ‘affair’ I’m including both betrayals that involve sex and also so-called emotional affairs where one partner has sought emotional intimacy with another person.
Are you ready to be 'radically honest"?
23 March 2021
In his book Radical Honesty, Brad Blanton argues passionately in favour of total honesty in relationships. It’s an appealing idea (at least to me), but is it realistic or even desirable?
I recommend Blanton’s book, which is a kind of polemic in favour of honesty. Even though he’s a therapist Blanton doesn’t mind swearing or being provocative and, while the book is a perhaps overlong and ‘messy’ in some parts, he does make some valuable points.
One important thing I took from it was how we often tie ourselves in knots trying to avoid talking about something important.
