Can you turn around a low sex (or no sex) relationship?

 26 September 2024

One of the most common issues many couples have to deal with is when their sex life dramatically reduces or, in some cases, stops. There may be different reasons for this but, once a low sex or no sex relationship has become the norm it can be very hard to shift.

 The definition I’m using of ‘low sex’ relationship is when it happens less than 10 times a year. About 20% of couples are in a low sex relationship, using this definition, according to Barry and Emily McCarthy, authors of the book Rekindling Desire.

 Being in a no sex or low sex relationship can bring significant strains to a relationship, especially if other forms of physical affection are also affected. It can be easy for one partner to blame the other and for the blamed partner to feel guilty and unfairly put under pressure. Being in a low sex relationship also removes one of the main ways couples bond with each other and is an important way of increasing intimacy, enjoying shared pleasure and reducing tension.

Avoidance

 The problem is that, once a low sex habit has become established, partners may start to avoid talking about the problem, which can mean that sex can happen even less. The topic may bring up feelings of resentment, guilt, shame and frustration. But not talking about it doesn’t make the feelings go away.

 One of the first steps is to be able to talk about the issue in a non-blaming way. If there is one partner who is not wanting sex and the other does you can end up with a ‘distancer-pursuer’ dynamic. The pursuer becomes frustrated and resentful that their attempts to initiate sex are rebuffed, while the distancer may feel guilty but also angry at feeling put under pressure.

 Creating a non-blaming environment means getting away from the belief that the lack of sex is one person’s fault and instead trying to see it as a couple issue. Relationship therapy can help a couple communicate about the issue in a non-blaming way and to try and develop a mutually supportive way of working on the challenge. 

 Of course, part of how a couple responds to the problem will depend on the causes. The main cause that couples report, when they enter couple therapy for sexual problems,  is a lack of sexual desire experienced by one of the partners. This is sometimes referred to as inhibited sexual desire. This is thought to affect one in three women and one in seven men, in a significant way. While most relationships experience periods of low or no sex, it is when it becomes the norm that the consequences can be destructive. 

How we think about intimacy

 One of the problems in this kind of situation is the way we think of sex and intimacy. Many couples, and particularly men, are generally focused on the sexual act itself and on orgasm. But when things have gone wrong and there is a lack of intimacy, and quite probably an emotional distance, focusing on intercourse and orgasm can make the problem harder to approach.

 What may be needed in this situation is being open to a wider definition of intimacy that includes touching, cuddling, massage and other expressions of affection that are not purely sexual. Being able to engage in this kind of physical contact, with sex left off the table, can help couples learn to reconnect physically and sensually without the pressure that can come with an expectation of sex.

 Affectionate touch can decline or even disappear if one partner is worried that engaging in touch will be seen as an inevitable precursor to sex. Being able to engage in affectionate or even sensual touching without it having to lead to sex can allow both partners to relax a little. 

 Exploring other ways of connecting physically, at least initially, can take the pressure off and prepare a foundation to then look at how to connect sexually again. It can get away from the focus on genitals and orgasm that may have led one partner, in heterosexual couples often but not always the man, to feel frustrated and rejected. This set up will also have left the other partner, often but not always the woman, feeling judged and pressured. While it may seem to the higher sex partner that the fault lies with their partner, it will be important for them to realise that their behaviour is also contributing to the problem. This is because the lower sex partner feels judged and pulls away from emotional connection as a result. Couples can experiment with non-genital touching and have a focus on sensual pleasure rather than the traditional focus on intercourse and orgasm. 

A couple issue

 An important element in dealing with low sex or no sex relationships is that the couple see the problem as a couple issue rather than it being an individual’s ‘fault’. If they can try and work together as a team there is much greater likelihood of success. This means learning, when things are not going well, to avoid blame or criticicism of the other partner.

 Beginning with, or integrating, physical contact that is not purely focused on genitals, intercourse or orgasm, can help build confidence and reduce the pressure on performance that may have been getting in the way of intimacy. It can help break the cycle of sexual avoidance.

 When an intimate connection has been re-established it is important that the couple continue to explore what helps them in their sexual desire, to make requests of each other and to accept that not all intimate connection has to end in ‘traditional’ sex. It can be tempting, once a connection has been re-established, to treat one’s sex life with ‘benign neglect’. 

 But if that happens the risk is that sex becomes, again, mechanical and unappealing, at least to one of the partners. The time then can become longer between each sexual encounter, which can then inhibit spontaneity and pleasure. A good way to maintain desire, say authors Barry and Emily McCarthy, is touching, both inside and outside the bedroom: “Touching is a way to stay connected and serves as a bridge to desire, pleasure and eroticism.”