How couples handle money

25.3.25

Arguments about money are one of the main reasons for couple conflict. 

 One of the main ways this shows up is if one partner is predominantly a saver and the other a spender. It can be very easy for the couple to get into a cycle of mutual blaming. 

 The spender may say they want the couple to enjoy life, to have nice things or exciting experiences because, who knows what the future holds.

 The saver may argue that it is risky to spend too much because life is unpredictable and harder times may be around the corner so much better to make sure there is a large financial cushion if things go wrong.

 Of course neither partner is right or wrong, they just have a different attitude to money. The danger comes when views become polarised and each sees the other as behaving unreasonably. Judgementalism comes into play. The saver may criticise their partner for being frivolous or reckless while the spender may throw back the criticism of boring or over cautious.

 What money symbolises

Rather than focusing on the surface behaviour it is important for us to think about what money symbolises for us and our partner. We can think about how money was handled in our families growing up, such as whether either of our parents had problems with money, maybe getting into debt and, if so, what the impact of that was on their relationship. 

 If we are able to understand how our partner’s attitude to money has been shaped by their early experiences we may be less inclined to judge them and get bogged down in an argument about who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’.

 Money can play an important role in our identity and self-esteem. Our society communicates that if we have a lot of money then we are a ‘success’ in the world. Men, in particular, often link their self-esteem to their income, whether because of socialisation or for evolutionary reasons. There has been research suggesting that men are more likely to experience mental health problems if they earn less than their partners.

 Money can also be about trust and control in the relationship. Some people may think that if they are completely open with their partner about what they earn and how much money they’ve saved they will make themselves vulnerable and be giving up a source of security if the relationship fails. 

Being secretive

 People can be pushed to become secretive about their financial affairs if they equate money with security and control. In heterosexual relationships the man, for example, may feel a pressure to be earning well and, if that is not they case, they may feel shame at disclosing that to their partner. In some extreme cases a person may go into significant debt in order to fund a lifestyle that their partner wants or expects, rather than admit that their income is not sufficient to justify the spending.

 Of course, in this kind of situation when the truth comes out it can seriously damage trust in the relationship because the higher-earning partner has been lied to. 

Money can represent more to us than a means of purchasing goods and services. For those of us who grew up in families that struggled financially money, and what it buys, can represent status. That’s why in less privileged cultures people often spend a disproportionate amount on clothes and cars, in order to project an image of success even if that means taking out credit card loans and skimping on saving.

 Or we may have grown up in a family where our parents were in demanding, high-paying jobs but short on time to give us. They may have tried to compensate by buying us expensive toys or gifts or taking us on luxury holidays.

 Like sex, we can (consciously or unconsciously) give or with-hold money as a way of communicating feelings to others. We an also use money to try and salve childhood wounds. For example, there is the woman who grew up having to wear hand-me-down clothes and always longed for a brand new party dress to wear to her friend’s party. When she has her own daughter she loves splashing out on expensive new clothes for her child as it meets those needs that were never satisfied in her own childhood. 

A means of communicating

 In some cases we may use money as a way of communicating anger to our partner but in an indirect, passive aggressive way. So, the partner who feels she has to take the lion’s share of responsibility when it comes to having a steady job to pay the bills may feel resentment to her disorganised,  low-earning partner. She may communicate this resentment by insisting, for example, that they don’t have the money to pay for their child to go on the school trip to New York.  Even though it could have been possible, with some careful budgeting, to pay for the trip she wants to ‘punish’ her partner for his not taking more financial responsibility.

 One of the most common feelings that people can feel around money is shame, especially if one partner feels that they are not earning enough or they have lost money in poor business decisions, gambling or an addiction. When you feel shame you may try to keep any losses secret and not be willing to openly discuss the situation with your partner, which can end up making the situation worse. 

 The answer is to be willing to talk about these issues, including ones that may bring up shame or discomfort. A 2019 survey by Lloyds Bank found that 44% of couples say they try to avoid talking about money with their partner.

 It is also important to try and understand your partner’s attitudes, even if they are different to yours, and to be curious about how your partner’s upbringing may have influenced them when it comes to money issues. 

 Being open and having an intention to talk non-defensively about financial matters can enable the couple to discuss their differences and try and reach some kind of agreement or compromise about spending and income.