Why opposites attract - and can then repel
26 August 2024
When we first meet and get to know our partner we are often attracted, or at least intrigued, by qualities they have that are different to us. But, over time, those ‘opposite’ qualities we used to like can begin to annoy us.
For observers it can seem strange that two people who, in some ways, are so different to each other end up in a relationship.
For example, it may seem surprising that Jane, who is so focussed and meticulous, is attracted to Jeff, who is laid back and disorganised. Or that Nigel, who can be irritable and uptight, ends up with Jennifer, who seems to take everything in her stride and ‘never’ gets angry.
This ‘opposite’ attraction can also apply to our family background. Often people who come from small families are unconsciously attracted to partners who come from large broods and vice versa.
These opposite qualities can be endearing when we first get to know our partner - we are pleasantly surprised by how different they are in certain areas. But, over time, especially after we’ve taken on new responsibilities such as buying a house or having children, those opposite qualities can begin to seem less endearing and more annoying.
Why do opposites attract?
We all grow up in families where there are certain unwritten ‘rules’ about how to be. For instance, in our family we may get the message, either implicitly or explicitly, that we should never show anger and that instead we should express any feelings like that in a ‘reasonable’ way or instead just try to think good of others. Or our family culture may be one in which there is a lot of emphasis placed on helping other people and being self-sacrificing.
On top of the family ‘rules’ there will be individual differences, with children unconsciously taking on different ‘roles’ in the group. One may take on the role of high-achiever, another as the care giver, another as the lazy or immature child.
So, we grow up with our own inherent qualities plus a whole load of environmental influences that shape the kind of person we are - or at least the kind of person we think we are. We will often assume that the kind of person we think we are is ‘normal’ and that everyone experiences the world in a similar way.
Disowned selves
But while we have been becoming this person we have also unconsciously rejected or disowned other qualities or parts of ourselves. So, we may be someone who is very hard working and ambitious but finds it hard to relax and have fun. Or we may be the opposite, someone who is spontaneous and playful but finds it very hard to focus on completing tasks.
The person we think we are is actually only a partial representation of who we could potentially be. There are other parts of us that we have unconsciously rejected because they did not fit in with our family’s or culture’s expectations. But these rejected parts don’t just disappear but remain dormant in some way within us.
When we meet a potential romantic partner who embodies some of our own rejected qualities we can become strongly attracted. So, the highly rational and analytic person can find themselves strangely fascinated by their spiritual, intuitive partner. Or the unassertive, anxious person can be attracted to the strong, seemingly confident partner.
According to Hal and Sidra Stone, in the book Embracing Each Other, “Falling in love is, to a large extent, the projection of our unconscious selves onto the other person.”
They give the example of ‘John’, a logical engineer who grew up suppressing his soften, more vulnerable parts. He finds himself attracted to soft, ‘feeling’ type women. His current partner ‘Sally’, is also very spiritual. Although he feels judgemental towards his side of her he is also a little fascinated.
For her part, Sally grew up being encouraged to be loving and caring and not to be ‘intellectual’ or pursue career goals. Both John and Sally see qualities in each other that they, in some way, had to give up or suppress in their own childhood and family conditioning.
Honeymoon period
In the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship, which typically lasts between six months and two years, these opposite qualities are often a source of fascination. When the honeymoon period ends we may begin to question if we’ve made the right decision. We begin to get irritated at little things the other person does, such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste.
Her endearing lack of awareness around time pressures becomes an irritating inability to get ready on time. Or his impressive organisation skills begin to feel like a way of controlling others. The change in our attitude to these opposite qualities can be triggered by the arrival of children, when suddenly there is a lot more pressure on the relationship.
It is helpful to be aware of these patterns and to see the other person’s differences not as problems but rather as an invitation to look at ourselves. When we notice ourselves getting annoyed at certain qualities in our partner it can be an opportunity to ask ourselves what our own relationship is with that quality.
If we find ourselves harshly judging our partner’s ‘softness’ in their relationships with our children or with other people we may want to enquire into the part within us that is ‘soft’. For example, was that a part that was discouraged within us when we were growing up?
I think the challenge is around learning to view our relationship, and our partner, as a potential teacher. Can we see our partner as a mirror, reflecting back to us the parts of ourselves that we may have suppressed? If we can let go of the judgment and the need to be ‘right’, perhaps we can acknowledge that our partner carries certain qualities that we could allow more in our own lives and behaviour.
Of course, to get to that place of seeing relationship as teacher requires a commitment to personal growth and a willingness to feel some uncomfortable feelings. But if we’re able to stick with it and try to remain open minded we can allow our relationship to shape us as people and become more whole.
