I love you, I hate you

27 April 2024

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I love you

I hate u I love u, Gnash

The people you love are usually the ones that can hurt you the most. That’s why there are so many songs about love turned sour, the beloved becoming the hated.

In every blessing a curse and in every curse a blessing

31 March 2024

The phrase above was one that a workshop leader in a men’s group I used to be a part of would use. It resonated with me because it seemed to say something profound about the human experience.

It’s also a paradox - a contradictory statement that nevertheless contains truth.

What I understand by the phrase is that often, when something good, something we’ve longed for, happens it can contain the seeds of something negative or challenging. Similarly, when something bad or unwanted happens there will often be something positive that comes out of it.

How to communicate criticism in a way that your partner will listen

13 February 2024

Mostly when we criticise our partner they switch off, they see it coming and are already forming their defence in their mind before we have completed our sentence.

So, how can we communicate about something our partner has done that has annoyed or hurt us, without them becoming immediately defensive?

Narcissism - the underlying pain of narcissistic wounding

5 December 2023

“Narcissism is a condition in which a person does not love himself.”

Thomas Moore

Today the word narcissism and narcissist is thrown around a lot, mostly as an insult.

But often we fail to understand the pain of the early ‘narcissistic wounding’ that underlies narcissistic behaviour. We only see the outward behaviour of selfishness, treating other people as objects, a lack of vulnerability.

Not seeing people as they really are - idealising and demonising

13 November 2023

Sometimes when listening to the radio in the morning I find myself internally commenting on a political story that’s being covered and thinking to myself, ‘That politician is completely hypocritical and manipulative - all they’re interested in is themselves.”

Or, if it’s someone speaking who I feel more warmly towards, I might think: “Thank goodness they’re speaking the truth, if only everyone would listen to them!”

Parent-child dynamics in couple relationships

11 October 2023

Do you ever feel like your partner is treating you like a child, or perhaps the opposite, that they’re seeming a little childish and you feel a little bit like a parent? This is a common feeling in many relationships and it’s not a particularly healthy dynamic.

After all, who really wants their love relationship to sometimes resemble a parent-child dynamic?

Daring to be ourselves

18 July 2023

Authenticity has become a bit of a buzzword in recent years - we are urged to ‘be authentic’. I’m not always quite sure what it means. But I think there’s some truth in the idea that it’s generally better for people to be honest about themselves rather than pretend to be someone other than they are, in order to win approval.

This is one of the themes tackled by film screenwriter Charlie Kaufman in this video. I find a lot of what he says, and the way he expresses himself, inspiring.

What causes sex addiction?

5 June 2023

This is an issue that I've seen increasingly in my practice in recent years. Firstly, what is sex addiction? Although some people see it as an invented category used by Hollywood stars to justify their behaviour, for those suffering from it sex addiction is very much a reality.

And it's a reality that can cause them, and their partner if they have one, incredible stress and pain.

It describes any kind of sexual behaviour that feels out of control and is causing problems. This could include watching porn, paying for sex or sexting.

In recent years the understanding of addiction has broadened beyond substances, such as alcohol or drugs, to include mood-altering behaviours or activities, such as gambling and sex.

Men

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