Therapy can make you less nice

16 August 2020

"I'm discovering that therapy can make you less nice."

Anonymous client

Becoming ‘less nice’ isn’t something that most people who go into therapy expect, or are looking for. But it’s often an unexpected consequence, which brings new freedoms and possibilities.

So, what do I mean by becoming ‘less nice’? For me, it’s about a combination of things. These include becoming more aware of our feelings and therefore of what really matters to us, and by discovering our deeper desires and values we gain the courage to say ‘no’ to people whose demands don’t match our values.

Accepting our foibles

19 July 2020

“One of the most important moves in psychotherapy is to take whatever is presented and simply hold it and give it a place.”

Thomas Moore

I like the above quote because it is counter cultural, in the sense that it pushes back against the dominant message we get that problems are there to be fixed.

We go to our doctor to fix a problem and many of us start therapy with the same attitude. Of course, that is completely understandable. We are in mental pain of some kind and we want a cure - who wouldn’t?

Perfect love, imperfect relationships (book review)

5 July 2020

Perfect love, imperfect relationships is a great book on relationship psychology. It’s written by John Welwood, a psychologist and author who tried to bring together psychological and spiritual ideas.

One of the central ideas in the book is that we expect too much of our partners and are invariably disappointed when they don’t match up with our expectations. According to Welwood, this is the human condition.

It’s definitely something that resonates with me as I often find myself resentful when I don’t feel understood or valued by my partner and then it can become about trying to somehow ‘get’ them to behave in the way I want. That rarely works, of course, because people usually don’t respond well to pressure or manipulation of that kind.

How we long for deeper connection

28 June 2020

We may often find ourselves staying on the surface in our conversations with people and particularly in the fast-paced word of social media.

But research by the University of Arizona found that more meaningful conversations were linked to greater happiness. They found that people who had more conversations where there was “real, meaningful information exchanged”, were likely to report higher satisfaction levels whether or not they were introverts or extraverts.

This confirms my belief that one of the benefits of being in therapy is having the chance to talk at depth about your experience. It is in this place that new insights of perspectives can become visible.

Individual Therapy

Dealing with your inner critic

14 June 2020

All of us, I would guess, have an inner critic - a part of us that judges or criticises us. To some degree the inner critic can help us, for example in maintaining high standards at work.

But for some of us the inner critic is pretty vicious. It may say things like:

“You’re stupid - you never understand things.”

The challenges of child-to-parent violence

7 June 2020

Often a taboo area for the families that experience it, and one that has become worse during the confinement of lockdown, is that of child-to-parent violence. Many parents feel some shame in disclosing what is going on or seeking support, which means the young person is not held to account and the violence and aggression can grow.

It is a particular problem for many parents of children with special needs, adopters or someone bringing up the child of a family member of friend.

Using the language of 'parts' to communicate emotions

I sometimes suggest to clients the value of describing their experience in the language of ‘parts’, such as ‘A part of me feels sad’ or ‘a part of me was angry’.

The advantage of using this kind of language is when we may feel overwhelmed or dominated by certain feelings. By using the language of parts we are able to acknowledge our experience without being completely ‘in’ it.

It also helps us allow in feelings that we may be uncomfortable with, such as anger, envy, jealousy, hatred. By saying that a part of us feels jealous, envious, or furious, we remove some of the judgment we may hold.

'Lowest of the low' narcissism

24 May 2020

Usually we understand narcissism as a kind of arrogance or superiority. But there is another side to this, which is the ‘I’m the lowest of the low’ form of narcissism.

Of course, I believe we can all show these narcissistic traits to some degree, but for some people they seem to be deeply embedded ways of relating to the world and can cause major problems in relationships.

Many people swing between the superior/inferior expressions of narcissism, either feeling like they are better than everyone else or worse.

Counselling and Psychotherapy in Eastbourne, East Sussex and Canary Wharf, London and Online.

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