Mistakes to avoid if you want to get the best out of couple therapy

28 August 2026

If you’ve finally plucked up the courage to see a couples therapist, well done! That’s one of the big  obstacles out of the way in improving the relationship, or at least in working out if the relationship is salvageable.

So, getting yourself through the door is already a big step forward.

But after that there are some common mistakes that couples make, which are likely to reduce the effectiveness of couple therapy.

Here they are, in no particular order.

Lack of patience/difficulty commiting

The first few sessions can sometimes improve things -  you get to talk about stuff that has been swept under the carpet, or at least to talk about things in a slightly different way. This can feel a huge relief and create a feeling of hope.

But a common experience is that after an initial boost to the relationship the couple therapy can begin to feel harder. Tensions that perhaps were not fully recognised or acknowledged can come to the surface. It may begin to become clear that couple therapy isn’t going to offer a quick fix. Couples may find that they are still repeating the same unhealthy relationship dynamics, even though they’re now in couple therapy.

What can then happen is that any commitment to the couple therapy process begins to weaken. Partners find reasons why they can’t make the sessions, which are often reasonable on the surfaced, such as work commitments, childcare etc. But this may be an unconscious pulling away  and can end up sabotaging the process.

Of course, this failure to commit may also mirror what is going on in the relationship. If a couple cannot commit to the couple therapy then does that also express a deeper lack of commitment (or trust) within their relationship?

When I work with couples I ask them if they can meet weekly or if they prefer fortnightly. I generally recommend weekly, at least initially, but understand that financial or practical issues can make that difficult so also offer fortnightly sessions. Whatever the frequency we agree I emphasise the importance of actually trying to stick to this. Sticking to the frequency can demonstrate a commitment to the process and, therefore, is a sign that the relationship is a priority for both partners.

Of course, if a couple is not comfortable with a particular therapist then they’re not going to want to commit. But I’d recommend giving it six sessions or so before deciding there’s not a good fit.

Not being honest

You’ve spent a lot of money and time on attending the sessions, so it would seem strange to with-hold important information or not be open and honest. But this is not uncommon. There may be something that one partner is reluctant to talk about and so the other partner doesn’t bring it up for fear of upsetting them.

I usually incorporate one to one sessions as part of the couple therapy. This can be a good opportunity to try and find out if there are important issues that are not being talked about in the couple sessions. It can also be interesting to see the individual without their partner being present, as sometimes they may come across differently, more confident perhaps. This can give clues as to what is going on in the couple dynamic.

I encourage couples to bring up topics that may feel risky or that they are worried their partner won’t like. The way I see it we’re there to try and understand what is really going on in the relationship, why do they behave the way they do with each other. If there are certain ‘off limits’ topics then it makes the whole process much harder.

Not naming issues in the relationship with the couple therapist

If you think the therapist is ganging up with your partner against you, then it’s good to voice that. Or if you feel that, because the therapist is the same gender as your partner, that your behaviour is not being understood or respected - again, it’s important to say something.

Clients can be shy about bringing this kind of thing up as they may see the therapist as an authority figure, a bit like a doctor. But if these feelings of irritation or dissatisfaction are there but are not being acknowledged or discussed then the risk is that the partner who feels misunderstood or ‘outnumbered’ will begin to disengage.

Also, naming these relationship issues can also help with the therapy. For example, a partner who feels ‘ganged up on’ in the session may have experienced being ganged up on their family, as a child, or have similar feelings in relation to their partner’s family. The fact that this experience is being repeated in the therapy can be explored and she light on how that person deals with such a dynamic.

Thinking that your partner is the problem

It’s understandable that most people who go into couple therapy think that their partner is the problem. Most of us have the idea that if only our partner would behave differently things would be fine.

But, almost inevitably, both partners will be contributing to the problems in some way. A good therapist will find ways of pointing this out early on and not colluding with the idea that one partner is the problem and just needs to change. 

A positive turning point in couple therapy is often when the partners realise that, actually, they themselves are part of the problem not just the other person. From this point on the individuals can shift their focus away from complaining about the other person and thinking more about what they themselves can do to show up in a slightly different way.