What to do if your partner is addicted to porn or sex

6 July 2026

If you discover you’re the partner of someone who has a sex or porn addiction it can be very difficult to know how to react. You may feel angry, betrayed, let down and confused. 

Sex or porn addiction represents an extremely painful experience for partners, as it combines betrayal, sex, secrecy and shame. Finding out about it can come as a hammer blow that devastates the relationship and the trust between the partners.

Much of how the non-addict partner deals with it may depend on how it was revealed. Did they ‘catch’ the addicted partner out by finding sexual images, intimate messaging or other material  on phones or other devices? Or did the addict partner disclose their behaviour, possibly because they were worried they would be found out?

Of course, it may not be clear initially if your partner does have an addiction problem. But over time you may begin to suspect that their porn use or other sexual behaviour is more than just an interest or a way for them to relax but it is actually something more deep rooted and compulsive. 

A good thing to do is to talk to them about their behaviour - do they view it as addictive or hard to control? You could encourage them to take a questionnaire to measure possible addictive behaviour. Here’s one from the website of the support group Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

Not due to high sex drive

One of the key things to understand, assuming your partner scores positive to addiction, is that your partner’s sexual behaviour is not because they have a high sex drive. The addiction is not about them needing to meet a sexual need but instead it is a complicated mix of emotional and biological factors. Using porn or acting out sexually has become a way for them to try and deal with underlying emotional problems, a way for them to escape from reality and try and manage (or anaesthetise) difficult emotions.

You should realise that the vast majority of sex or porn addicts developed the problem when they were very young, in adolescence. For many it was a way of coping with difficult feelings such as loneliness or trauma, feelings that they were not able, or not invited, to talk about at the time.  The easy availability of internet porn in the last 20 years has only increased the problems, as children (usually boys) have been able to access hardcore material from a young age. 

So if you discover that your partner is (probably) a sex or porn addict, and they acknowledge this also, what next? A natural reaction is to try and find a couple therapist who can help you, assuming that the disclosure has led to major stresses in the relationship. 

Going straight into couple therapy, however, may not be the best option. There are several reasons for this. One is that, as Paula Hall points out in her book Sex Addiction - a guide for couples and those who help them, the relationship has gone through a major trauma when sex or porn addiction is revealed. It can be natural for both partners to want to cling onto the old relationship, in the midst of this trauma, but the old relationship is dead. A new relationship may be able to be built, but that will take a lot of time and patience and may require each partner to first do their own therapy or recovery work.

Individual therapy

The partner who has disclosed, or been discovered, engaging in addictive behaviour will need time in individual therapy to understand how they got there and to work through some of the underlying causes. Similarly, the other partner will probably be experiencing severe feelings of distress, anger and confusion. Couple therapy is not necessarily the best place, at least in the early phase, for individuals working through these issues. It may require the addicted partner to be in individual therapy in order to really come to terms with what they have done and to take responsibility. 

Further down the line, when each partner has been able to do their own work in therapy it can be useful to bring them together for couple therapy. 

After about six months the non-addicted partner may find that they are feeling more stable, although they may still experience times when they feel triggered and the feelings of despair, anger or hopelessness return.

Wanting full disclosure

One of the challenges the non-addict partner may need to deal with is their desire to know everything about their partner’s behaviour, early on after disclosure/discovery. Women in particular, who are more likely to be the non-addict partner, can often demand a ‘full disclosure’ straight away. But this can be damaging until both partners have established some emotional stability through individual therapy. If it is demanded too early on the addicted partner may feel too much shame to genuinely disclose everything their partner is demanding. They may also not necessarily remember all the details the non-addict partner is wanting, which can lead to further loss of trust. 

There is a technique known as ‘therapeutic disclosure’, which involves a therapist facilitating the disclosure in a way that enables the non-addict partner to process what has happened in a more contained way. The therapist who is facilitating this will try to ensure that the emotional needs of both partners are given attention in this process. 

Another issue that may need to be dealt with is who, if anyone, do the couple choose to tell about the addiction. Sometimes partners regret telling people outside the relationship too soon. One of the most difficult aspects of all this, for the non-addict partner, is that they may feel shame in sharing what has happened with friends or family. But this can leave them feeling alone and unsupported. This can be talked through with the couple therapist so that both partners are able to decide who, if anyone, they feel comfortable in telling about the issue.